Chapter Four - Desire Of Your Heart

One day, praying deeply and fervently, I purposefully swam my laps. Overhead, the soft white fluffy clouds lazily drifting across the sunny sky belied the turbulent storm in my mind. My life was full with my family, engaging activities, and meaningful relationships. However, when fulfillment turned into complacency, I started feeling restless.

Michael was working long hours as always, which will sometimes trigger my fear of abandonment. I was feeling abandoned and angry about it, but instead of taking the matter straight to the heart of God, I started feeding my resentment and self-pity. “I am always alone running our household! I feel more like a single mom than a married one!” The clouds of darkness usually gather gradually, setting in as we transgress the boundaries in our mind. The battle is won or lost in the mind.

As I swam and waged war with powerful and seductive thoughts, emotions, and spirits, I finally reached the end of my rope, praying in a spirit of helplessness, submission, and repentance, fighting, then searching for the meaning of my tempestuous thoughts and emotions. In the vortex of my spiritual storm, I had a vision of a huge dark hole in my spirit. It was a vast void, and I was trying to fill it with something that wasn’t meant to be there. Feeding my wandering mind was nothing more than an attempt to fill my soul in a way that only God can fill it. This was my defining moment. “Oh, God,” I prayed, “Fill this space in my spirit with You, and in Jesus’ name, set me free!”

I will never forget that feeling of being unshackled. Making such a good choice was a direct result of my relationship with Joy and what I learned from her. Those plaguing thoughts vanished, and a sense of peace and well-being were as quickly restored as the storm had brewed.

My longing wasn’t actually for a better situation, more clothes, or another donut. My misplaced desire was in essence a deep need for God to fill my spirit. Eating, spending, drugs,

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